Futility



Deadlines, exams, schedules, plans ... everything is as futile as the next. However hard I try I never seem to be happy with what I do. Why do I always regret the fact a couple of days later that I could have done better, put in a lot more effort. The problem is that the harder I try the more I am bound to relax with the intention that the weight of the exam will drive me into a last minute reading frenzy and spark up my latent brain into activity. But when the "last minute" actually happens there is just not enough time, adjustements and haircuts happen, chapters get dropped, shortcuts are found. My prof used to say ..'You gobble up the information and then vomit it out on the paper'. The question arises on what I learnt, understood and pondered on for greater good.
Nothing.. The information stored is etherial, fluid and volatile. A day after I go looking for it and I am as lost as a day before. Why ??? Why did I do what I just did, am I beating the system or am I beating myslef. Is just beating the system good enough or do I need to actually get some education.
The short attention span is killing me I just cant concentrate on anything for long without my mind straying to to stuff on my comp and every other externality ..
This blog taking me two days to write explains the mind set I am in right now.